So now that I have finally joined the internet, or ‘net as I believe the young people are calling it, I thought it would be a good idea to look back over everything the web has given us and assign each aspect a numerical position based on how highly I choose to rank it.

Heres some things I like and don’t like about some stuff.

Thank you internet for giving me:

5. Online multiplayer: Like most gamers, I like me some mulitplayer. While I don’t believe modern gaming is quite everything I hoped it would be when I was 12 (see future post), one of the things this new age has brought us is the ability to fight out our differences over a long distance. Its all of the fun/abuse of playing with friends, but with strangers! All those who complain about said abuse are a load of nOObs and Nazi’s who fail to realise that the exchange of hatred is the core of a good failed life. Playing over the global network also removes the need for all that difficult socialising… Not that socialising is a bad thing, its just a lot easier to get friends together when you are 12 then when you are 24 and in full time employment for the next 45 years…

4. The unification of our world:  Its a simple one, but king of a biggie. The internet allows us to talk to people anywhere in the world… Okay, most parts of the world. Certainly people in the more developed nations. The good developed nations who don’t use it as a form of repression (please don’t kill me). For every foul mouthed teenage wanting to make your online experience a living hell (see online multiplayer) there is at least one good person who its worth getting to know, the type of person you could happily discuss the the state of public transport with in a railway waiting room. The internet allows us to get to know our furthest neighbours, and makes us realise that no matter what our beliefs or skin colour, we all hate railway waiting rooms.

3. The answer to every question ever: What’s the fastest route out of Birmingham? How much does Uranus weigh? Where can I buy a grenade launcher? Why does that Velociraptor keep throwing bananas at me while I’m trying to study? Why is my *body part* gushing/ozzing *fluid*? Just what is wrong with me? All these questions have answers, and the internet knows them all. It just has a habit of presenting the wrong answer to the even more wrong question. But what does the odd factual inaccurate matter when you can access the entirety of humanities wisdom at the click of a mouse? Its not like everyone uses Wikipedia for writing their thesis or anything… not more than once anyway.

2. Youtube: Youtube grants us access to every kind of video mankind has every created (At least it would if it got rid of all those pesky ‘suitable content’ policies) Chances are good that you have been on Youtube at least once already today. If it did not exist, where else could we go to see babies laughing at lolcats or grown men inflating condoms by hanging them out of car windows? Nowhere that does not require standing up or moving around. On a more serious point, its on of the best archives of information future generations could hope for. Also this:

Your welcome.

1. My girlfriend: Awwwwwww ❤ Yes indeed, imaginary voice I hear when I read, you are right to aww. What I forgot to mention in my unification of the globe bit was that not only do you get to meet new and interesting people on the internet, occasionally you get to kiss them too. Me and my girlfriend would never have had the chance to meet up if it had not been for the internet, and we certainly would not have been able to maintain our relationship for so long if it had not been for the good people at Skype (she lives waaaaaay beyond shouting distance). So if getting it together with a wonderful girl (a physical one) is not the best thing about the internet, then I don’t know what is.

So too summarise the best bits of the internet: Girls and shouting at strangers from thousands of miles away. Now some stuff I do not like.

I would not like to thank the internet for:

5. Justine Beiber: Not just for Justine Beiber. Okay mostly for Justine Beiber. Originally I felt it was not fair to start hating a child I barely knew just because it was fashionable, but seriously now that I’ve seen videos of him, I just want to punch him in his smug child face. On his own, he would not be such a problem, except he seems to formed his own personal army of equally punchable tweenagers who insist on ruining every good anti-bieber thread with their pro-bieber insanity. If this tide of insipid squealing continues growing I have seriously concerns about the Earth future survival.

4. eBay: The freedom to buy anything you can think of at a reasonable price? Why would I dislike that? In principal I don’t, I love eBay. Thats part of the problem, its like cyber candy. You try desperately to resist but you just have to put a bid on that one thing you have really wanted for the last 5 seconds; but just can not help yourself. And then someone puts on a higher bid and all hell breaks loose. The whole purchasing of an item because a war, with military precision timing and terms like ‘sniping’. Loosing results in the grim despair of defeat, victory results in an empty wallet and letter box full of crisp shaped like Ringo Starr. (By the way, where that grenade launcher?)

3. Stealing all my free time: This blog has entry has taken me nearly 3 hours to write. Not including time spent on YouTube, Googling myself (giggity) or watching that Japanese Fanta commercial. From slow connection speeds to Captcha tests, everything on the internet steals my time like some giant time stealing thing. I had some other point to make but I want to watch that commercial another five or six times before bed.

2. The ‘cloud’: This is something I have been hearing a lot about recently… But just what is a cloud really and why is it so important that all my stuff gets kept on it? Maybe I like my stuff kept where it is thank you. Where I know it will not all disappear if the operating company goes bust or gets hacked by North Korea. Maybe its just my nature as a hoarder, or some ancient squirrel like nature that has yet to be evolved out of me, but I feel much more comfortable knowing all my digital nuts are stored safely on a hard disk or dvd. Personal files can, at least for the moment, can still be backed up in these more traditional ways but soon movies (possible games too) are likely to exist only in the ether and will only be ‘streamed’ down to you… Thats like if Ikea kept all their furniture in store and just sent it out each time you wanted to go to bed or sit on it. What if the delivery truck breaks down in transit? You would have to sleep on the floor like a common animal. Thats what your making us do, cloud!

 Actually that’s a pretty big sword… you know what? Keep my stuff.

1. Invading my personal space: The creation of the internet has been the biggest invasion of privacy since some perverted (probably) architect started putting windows in bathrooms (why would I want to be able to see myself all naked in anything other than complete darkness?). Now it seems that everything you every do on the internet is being monitored, and this is not something new. People will say its not a problem as long as you are not doing anything wrong… but what if its a corrupt government who decides right and wrong for you? What if Hitler could monitor your internet usage? All those spoof bunker videos do not seem so funny now do they? And this does not even taking into account internet advertising, which arguably even worse then Hitler. (A Super-Hitler?) The most worrying part is how readily the we surrender are personal lives to the internets inviting candy-house. Remember all those pictures from that party? Everyone and their friends can see those on Facebook if they really try hard enough. My point is things leaked onto the internet are very hard to forget about, and big brother is always watching. Especially that which you Googled last night… no matter how hard you scrub your history. In fact, if we imagine the natural progression of things, your webcam is probably already watching you right now….

Goodnight everybody!